People constantly talk about the negative affects the media has on young women with its unrealistic expectations about how women should look, dress, and act. People also often rant about how, in Junior High and High School, girls who are quiet and nerdy feel like they need to change and conform to the ways of the preppy cheerleaders in order to fit in. But what disgusts me is how so many girls, at the end of high school or in college, once they have already established their own personality and appearance, will suddenly undergo a complete identity transplant just in order to attract guys.
I’m not saying this is something all girls go through (I sure as hell haven’t), but I’m sure we’ve all witnessed it at some point or another. Some girls who got straight A’s through high school suddenly start devoting less time to their studies in college because they’ve bought into the shallow stereotypes that hot guys go for dumb girls. Or a girl who was always an athletic tomboy gives up all her old interests and starts wearing miniskirts and heavy makeup because that’s what her boyfriend likes. I had a friend in high school who constantly talked about how much promiscuity disgusted her, yet a few months before she turned eighteen, she woke up one morning and decided to start talking about sex constantly because she wasn’t getting guys to date her any other way. Most recently, I found out a girl I know who had always been very religious and open about the fact that she wanted to save herself for marriage is now hanging out with a guy who has a very perverse reputation, and it looks like they might be dating.
Now I’m far from being the most conservative gal around. I have nothing against girls dressing flashy or wearing makeup in order to look attractive. Likewise, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a girl telling dirty jokes with her friends or laughing at inappropriate things that other people say. I know I’ve done all of those things myself at one point or another. But when women compromise their own opinions, values, interests, and general self-identity, whether it be to appease the media, their friends, or someone they’d like to date, I think it’s both sad and disturbing. You should be who you want to be rather than trying to transform yourself into what another person wants. And if that person you’re hoping to attract doesn’t want you the way you already are, then that person isn’t worth having in your life.
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To an extent, all human beings do this with all other human beings - it is called "presenting self" in my Communication textbook this semester. We put together a compilation of what we feel is expected of us from various groups and don that persona when we interact with them. I think you are right in saying that some women, particularly when they begin to hear that good old "biological clock" ticking away in the background, compromise more than they should when creating that presenting self in relation to men they want to acquire.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if guys are any different though. I would imagine that they also "tone down" certain features that we women don't find as appealing in a mate when they get the urge to find someone. They are less obvious in appearance and behavior maybe - but they do change to adapt to the women they are seeking out too. A guy who isn't into school, for example, might try to put forward an image that he is engaged in a class to gain a "smart girl's" attention, or a guy who is very geeky in his interests might make an effort to conceal that fact in public so as not to be relegated to that "he's nice, but just a friend, he's too much of a geek" category.
My personal philosophy is to be yourself as much as is appropriate in any given situation - and let your presenting self represent what you really are even if it doesn't say everything about you at all times. People will either want you for who you are or they won't, but if you end up with someone who wants you "as advertised" may not stick around when they find out the sticker really said "as is." Which is why I think there are a lot of relationship problems in our society. We concentrate so hard on looking like we are something other than we be, and then we're surprised when it all unravels.
Mylinkay, just to clarify the point I was hoping to make, I am familiar with the "presenting self" concept, however, that was not what I was writing about. I can understand that people often try to hide certain things about themselves when around a person they want to attract, and I can understand that people try to flaunt other certain characteristics when on a date. However, what I wrote this post about was the fact that I have watched many girls make permanent changes to their personalities, appearances, and lifestyles in order to attract someone or please the person they're already in a relationship with. I'm not talking about temporary changes in personality that are only apparent when the person is flirting or on a date, I'm talking about major changes that family and friends can recognize as taking a toll on the girl's life and identity.
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